Wednesday, September 21, 2011
The Beginning
Truth is I don't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks nor do I feel the need to justify or apologize for the things I say and do on here. Seriously, this is just a blog so if you don't like my site, STOP READING IT. I promise you it will not break my heart or send me spiraling into a verse of rip stabity stab stab (if you don't get that reference, look up “Emo song” on YouTube and be prepared to laugh your ass off). I am just me and that's all I'm ever going to be. I like to cook, clean and take long walks on the beach. (No seriously I'm down with the beach lol let's go!). I'm a Leo, a general pain in the ass high maintenance bitch and yes I do windows. I love to sing (although I have to be pretty god damn drunk to do so in public now a days). I can handle most things that are thrown at me during the day and consider myself tough but if you happen by my place at night you may hear my tough ass crying myself to sleep. I have loved and lost but the problem usually is that once I'm done losing I'm still left loving... it's a curse. Anyone who has advice on how to stop loving someone, please let me know... that would be worth it's weight in gold.
Sometimes I hate being a mother and if you think that statement is blasphemy fuck off you've obviously never been a mother. Life is too short not to say how you feel and sometimes I feel like jumping out a window or drowning myself in my own toilet when my son is throwing a tantrum. So sue me. But then, sometimes, I've never done something so amazing as becoming a mother. As I watch my son try to catch a snowflake on his tongue for the first time and giggle every time he misses I couldn't imagine being anything else. But there are those weeks where the truly amazing just don't equal out the truly stressful and my mother's curse echo's through my head... “I hope you have a child that's JUST LIKE YOU....”. Ha. Fuck you Mom. I mean that with love. Really. Being a single mother is the single most trying thing I've ever done in my life even though it was my own stupidity that got me here. I've got trust issues... like I trust way too quickly and put all my faith in someone that was never going to step up anyway.... but that's another story...
I've got days that just start out bad. I wake up and BOOM... the day is already fucked. No rhyme. No reason. Just the act of waking up has royally fucked my day... and I'm so desperate not to start the day that I don't get out of bed on time to get my son ready for school and myself ready for work because I've just wasted the half an hour I need to shit shower and shave by arguing with myself (get out of bed.... no.... ) and my son and I both end up late to everything and the day continues on a downward spiral of self inflicted DOOM! (whoa…big breath in... slowly let it out..... )
But this is me. THIS is my life. I am NOT fucking happy all the time and you can go lick a donkey's ass if you think I should be. I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not for you or anyone else. Life isn't always about being happy and I'm not stupid enough to insist it is (like some people I know that have their head shoved ENTIRELY too far up their own asses). I do however know that bad comes with the good and that strong relationships with people and yourself are the ones that can survive both the good AND the bad. Can't shit a rainbow without rainclouds first (…..?). The bad is what makes the good... so GOOD.
I'm not saying that this strategy always gets me by because the past burns inside me like an inferno sometimes and if I'm not standing there vigilant with my fire extinguisher I incinerate.... (ashes to ashes). But I am so damn confident that the sun will in fact rise again for another day that NOTHING can keep me down long. If you look back on all the bullshit that has happened in my life, it's the one constant I have.... I will ALWAYS get back up if you knock me down... (but once I get back up you better watch your ass 'cause I'll be gunning for you when I take over the world and have a machine gun at my disposal... just saying....) I've done some pretty crazy shit to make sure that my son and I make it out on top and it seems that I don't even know my boundaries for survival.
And that's what life is all about.... surviving. How much shit can you take before you just stop ticking... The human brain is amazingly resilient. So is the human heart. And as much as I don't enjoy sending my brain or my heart through the food processor on such a constant basis, inhaling the fumes from the glue I use to put myself back together just seems to make it all worth it (..... wait... where I am I.... oh yeah... heh). I'm okay with being me... most of the time. And if you're not, well.... eat me. I can't seem to find it in me to care if you don't. I have enough trouble keeping things together enough so I like myself never mind wasting the effort on your ass.
So in parting I leave you with lyrics from one of the best songs ever written: “First of all I'd like to say fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, FUCK OFF! I like something you don't and you're telling me it's shit. Stick your head back up your ass. Don't waste my time. I don't need your opinion... noooooo.... 'Cause you don't know what it's like... you don't know what's it's like. You don't know what it's like to be like me. You don't know, so keep your mouth shut.”
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
0 comments:
Post a Comment