Sunday, April 22, 2012
Tug
I'm left empty.
Mind, body and soul.
No direction left.
Staring into a violently dug hole.
Your hands were law, nudging me which way to go.
Awakening a reality; a crazy possibility that only your hands could show.
Blindly I followed like a horse drawn to water,
but when no destination appeared my faith began to falter.
And together we nudged and then we pushed the core.
And we began fighting a deadly tug of war.
On each side of the rope stands a version of us both.
One shadow of us filled with anger... The other of us filled with hope.
We push and we shove. We stab and we bleed.
We tie ourselves up in hopes to succeed.
We flay ourselves alive and pull out our hearts
and bleed them both dry until they both fall apart.
We stare at the pieces that still pathetically beat;
still pulling on that rope; still trying to compete.
But we dug in our heels and we dug a huge hole.
We can't see each other over it or which way to go.
Our pieces are so scattered the wind has whipped them away
and our distance between seems such a long way.
I want to keep pulling but I'm dropping the rope
and cry as it slides down that rocky slope.
I'll search for some pieces as I stumble away.
Not trying too hard, as I know most will stay.
Love... Is A Many Fucked Up Thing
Panic overwhelms. Furtively we try to tamp it down with attempts at logic. Oh love. What a tired bullshit game you are. How can we as people intentionally let ourselves love something that is not good for us? How can we miss it when it's gone? How could we possibly want the the destruction in our lives? And that's what love is. It's a slow, painful destruction of one's self. Let's face it, loneliness is a void; one of which everyone desperately tries to fill. And we do. We fill it with people who have huge voids of their own and to what purpose? To pull the heart strings of the weave that make us who we are as people? To make us rethink and ignore lessons we've learned life times ago? To make us foolishly believe that everything will be okay? The fact of the matter is, nothing will ever be okay. Because our own perceptions of okay will never match anyone else and wrapping yourself around someone else and their idea of okay will forever make you feel inadequate or make you feel like a failure. And we give our all. We give our all to someone else that most likely will never appreciate who we truly are and what we are on the inside. How can we ever possibly begin to see someone for what they really are when we don't even take care of who we are? We throw our very essence at people who promise to love and cherish us and never take us for granted when we should be guarding ourselves with fanatic fear. Trust no one. Be suspicious of all because in this tired bullshit game of love and life EVERYONE has their own agenda. EVERYONE. And we will stop at nothing to fill that void including trying to rip the life force out of the people we supposedly love and cherish. And how is that love? How is loving someone that doesn't even love us like we love ourselves even remotely worth it? How can we love someone that plants seeds of doubt into ourselves? Those that truly love would never do that to someone because making someone doubt themselves is worse than a major head injury. Lesson learned. Lesson carved into the brain and internally bleeding because falling isn't the problem. The problem is not having the strength to get back up and dust yourself off because someone has attempted to destroy who you really are inside. Strength comes from the personal confidence that no matter what you'll always have your version of okay and if that version does not include being okay with yourself you're screwed the second they open the gate.
Addict
I still wait for you...
Even though every shred of hope for us was thrown to the wind with harsh words and blinding anger,
I still wait to hear the closing of the front door...
Your heavy foot steps ascending the stairs.
I'm desperate to hear your voice even though part of me prays I never do.
I would succumb to it quicker than a rock sinks in water.
I loved you with every inch of my world; my being; my mind; my body.
But it wasn't enough to keep you happy as your mind constantly danced with doubt to the "what ifs".
I gave myself to you and watched as you burned holes into my gift with lies and a severe distaste for yourself.
But, like a moth to a flame, I danced around your danger out of love; out of want; out of sheer stupidity.
And I realize that eventually the pain left behind will fade away but I'm deathly afraid of what will remain...
Will it be anger that replaces the love I have for you?
Will I succumb to the bitterness that threatens the last of me I cling desperately to?
The rest of me is with you, so how can I bear such hatred to someone who holds something so sacred of mine?
Something I entrusted so foolishly believing love would conquer all...
My want for you is turning to shame.
My love for you is turning to shame.
And the severe disappointment of the outcome of something that was once beautiful and filled with hope, engulfs me.
Not better to have loved than lost.
Not better by far.
And I wait for you...
Just as I'll wait for these new scars to heal.
Dalai Lama and Karma
Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
Follow the three "R"'s- respect for self, respect for others, responsibility for all your actions.
Remember not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Spend some time alone every day.
Open your arms to change but don't give up your values.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good honorable life. That way when you get older you can look back and enjoy it a second time.
A loving atmosphere at home is the foundation for your life.
In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
Share your knowledge it is a way to achieve immortality.
Be gentle with the earth.
Once a year go someplace you've never been before.
Remember the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
Judge your success in what you had to give up in order to get it.
Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
The Point
I hate this world. I hate the people in it. I hate how people are to each other. I hate watching people have kids with people they don't stay with. (Yes this includes me). I hate how it seems people can't work things out with people they love. I hate people who hold grudges and bring up the past and hold pasts against people. And most of all I hate the fact that people don't know what they have until it's gone because it's complete and utter bullshit not to appreciate what you have when you have it. I've finally realized in my old age (ha) that you can't change the past. And the past is what eats people alive... makes people fear the future and that fear effects your entire life and relationships you have with other people. I hate that in this world loving someone just isn't enough. Love is supposed to conquer all. Love is supposed to make everything better not worse. Love is supposed to produce empathy for others and make us help each other. But that just doesn't happen. We turn our backs on people we shouldn't out of fear. We use people we shouldn't out of selfishness. And we make light of things we most certainly shouldn't. This world has made it okay for relationships to fall apart. This world has us believe that we're not allowed to hurt and that we're allowed to just throw away commitments because really, who cares? There will be others. Well that statement disgusts me. There's other fish in the sea. This too shall pass. You'll fall in love with someone else. Blah blah blah. Love shouldn't just be thrown around like that. It's become a casual word and there should be nothing casual about it. It should be devastating to lose because it should be something beautiful. Not something you should just be able to give to someone else. Committing to someone is awful hard work but it should be. It shouldn't just be something tossed to the way side. I hate that this world has taught me to just drop things and move on. Frankly I just can't do it anymore. I'm so sick and tired of having a defense mechanism that makes me throw things away. And I'm sick and tired of not being in control of it because it ruins everything. It ruins wonderful things. And it ruins people. It's ruined me. I'll never take anything or anyone for granted again because that's what's wrong with our society. We've become too fast paced and okay with the fact that things just "don't work out". Fuck that. Things don't work out because fear stops us from putting in the effort we should have. The effort to shut our damn mouths once and a while and listen to each other. And no one is more guilty of that than me. I was taught to guard your heart. I don't want to do that anymore. Guarding yourself makes you not give yourself and if you're not going to give the wonderful gifts you were given what the hell is the point of doing anything. I just can't figure out the point of anything. But I am no longer scared of reckless abandon. Because sometimes it's just worth losing yourself in someone because quite frankly you're never going to know the true outcome of something if you don't feel like you gave your all.
Steps to Forgiveness
I'm taking a sociology course in college currently and my first lesson hit me kind of hard. Someone once told me that having empathy for people in my past that have done me wrong was unhealthy. They were certain because I was not full of hatred that I was dwelling in my past. I couldn't explain to this person at the time why I thought he was severely wrong. But it was put into words for me during class. Suddenly I felt validated and a little less like a horrible person. So I'm going to share. Maybe this will help someone else. (Please keep in mind I did not write this. These are notes given in class by my Professor Joe Irish)
Some Facts On Forgiveness
- Forgiveness is a process NOT an event. Emotions and feelings of betrayal and hurt will no simply disappear because you say you have forgiven someone. It takes time.
- Forgiveness is done for the VICTIM to decrease their pain, not because the offenderdeserves to be forgiven.
- FORGETTING is not involved in forgiveness... forgive and forget? Absolutely not. Forgive andREMEMBER. It's what helps you through your next trial.
- Forgiveness allows for punishment. Just because you have forgiven someone does not mean they should not have to face consequences for their actions.
- Forgiving something or someone does not excuse or justify the offense. Sometimes it's just not okay.
- Forgiveness involves grieving and takes into account the wrong done. Blame is assigned.
- Forgiveness involves anger and sadness.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
We Are All Horrible..... Victims.
I'm a victim. I've been treated like shit, beat down, broken and basically thrown away like trash on several occasions. Feel bad for me and love me with your sympathy because as a victim I am never wrong or accountable for anything that has happened to me.
We live in a society now where NO ONE takes responsibility for their actions. A study of this phenomena was done back in 1993 (Horowitz). It was called the "Culture of Victimization" and it's only gotten worse since the 90's. It's like we're in a constant battle with each other to see who can out "victim" someone else. I mean, when you piss someone else off, the first initial reaction is to place blame for it on anything but yourself. Instead of just saying "Yup I did that... and I'm sorry." We come up with every excuse in the book. "So and so made me do it". Or "You made me feel like crap so I'm reciprocating". Or my PERSONAL favorite... "It's all in your head." (Fuck you btw).
We are brought up to believe that we are supposed to be happy and as Americans we have a "constitutional right" to be so. We're also taught how to lie and manipulate a situation so things will go our way. (Some of this are better at this than others). I think we're losing focus of some very important things in our lives, people. It's okay to be happy. More than okay. Expected in fact. But it's not okay to be sad? It's not okay to have a bad day anymore? It's not okay to get angry??? When did that happen? When we get angry we get blamed for being irrational, over emotional, or another personal favorite of mine "bi-polar". A very close friend of mine once said to me "I'm not bi-polar, I'm just human." And you know what fuckers??? Most of us are just that.... HUMAN. We're ALLOWED to feel the way we feel, when we feel it REGARDLESS of whatever the fuck you think. Wanna know why??? Because we can't control it anymore than you can... dick.
And my FAVORITE part of it all is when you're caught cheating or lying about something ridiculous, and because of our "Culture of Victimization", you blame it on the other person. You weren't good enough to keep me faithful. You didn't make me feel special enough. You didn't do this and that so I stuck my dick in someone else or got my vagina wet for someone else. COME ON PEOPLE. If you're not happy how about you man up a bit and tell the fucking person you hate them before you go do something like that??? I mean really, you'd have to hate them to cheat on someone you tell you love. I don't give a shit HOW unspecial you feel or what the fuck ever, no one deserves to be lied to and treated like shit. And seriously... who ever gets over being cheated on.... really... it's like a capital offense.
But everything always goes back to my original thought every time... we are all horrible. Every single one of us. Somebody said "You can't change who you are but you can change what you do with it." (Don't ask me who spit out THOSE words of wisdom because I don't remember). But it's true. We fight our horrible side every day and some of us squat in it and blame everyone else for shit they are more than fully in control of. But I guess the hard part is admitting it. It's up to us how we act towards other people. It's EASY to blame someone else for things you've done. It's EASY to blame the other person who treated you like crap when in all fairness, you ALLOW them to treat you that way. It's easy to play the victim card because it's what everyone else on this fucking planet does.
Not only do we not hold OURSELVES accountable for what we do, but we're also not holding others accountable for what they do to us. It's like if we don't take care of the problem or at least let them know they hurt us, we are feeding more into our own victimhood. We can't bitch about shit if we don't fix the problem. And why do we not stick up for ourselves? Why do we not tell the mother fucker that burned us hey... you're a complete waste of air and you hurt me and I hope you fall off something high? It makes you feel better, I promise you. Sticking up for ourselves not only proves that we have brass balls but it boosts our confidence levels. It's like Methamphetamine... without the drug lab and jitters.
As people, we eat this shit up and HOPE something bad happens to us so we have something to talk about at the dinner table. And the sad thing is, we also allow ourselves to be treated like shit because it's almost more entertaining than having something good and easy. We're SURROUNDED by drama everyday... Facebook, magazines and now even the fucking newspapers are getting in on it. (I mean who really wants to read about Weiner's weiner?????) We are all becoming stupider by the day because of our obsession with drama. It's what makes our lives intense, and it's pretty damn sad that we want the bad over the good, because "our lives will suck without it." It's disgusting. (And I'm guilty for doing everything above at LEAST once. And sometimes twice on purpose.)
We should all own one of those t shirts. Bah.
(I got a lot of information off a site (this one in fact http://www.zurinstitute.com/victimhood.html) as I am doing a research project on this for college 'cause the topic pisses me the fuck off... so I'm citing it.... like a good student should.)
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